Waiting

Waiting to get cancer cut out of your leg is pretty nerve-wracking.

I wish they could  have called me in the morning, scheduled my procedure for the afternoon and whipped out a CSI-Miami-quick pathology result saying the melanoma is gone.

Some moments I feel like I’m in denial.  This paper says I shouldn’t be…

Other moments I start plotting how life will go on without me.   I think about my husband & how on earth he’d balance his workload and single-fatherhood.

The doctor told me the survival rate is 99%, so I also start thinking about them needing to cut out more & more – so much that they’ll have to amputate my leg.

I think about how much I want to have more kids.  How Little Dude deserves to have his mom healthy to take care of him.

Then I snap back to reality and the words of my doctor and her medical assistant saying “I know there’s a lot of scary words floating your way, but we’ll take care of you.”

Ultimately, I am in good hands – both medically and God’s hands.  They caught this early. I’ll be ok.

For the moments I start to panic, I’ve been taking Gaba (which has a natural calming effect) & Rescue Remedy (another natural stress reliever, from flower essences):

 

Today’s mood: I pretty much covered this in today’s post.  Denial. Hyper-sensitive. I should just ban myself from the TV & movies.  Life is so fragile & I just don’t know what God is promising for my future. He can heal me in an instant if He wants to… He can also allow for this to happen again. I am still standing firm in the fact God will use me as a tool to show His glory.

Today’s coping: Last night I searched YouVersion.com for Bible verses on healing and trust.  I will continue to research & study this theme.  I also searched melanoma on Pinterest & Cafepress.com.  I actually started a Skin Cancer board on my Pinterest.  I knocked out a few items off my to-do list today. Such as: refill our propane tank (for my husband’s grilling) & go to the chiropractor. I picked out a couple summery dresses from Ross, so I don’t have capris or other clothes rubbing up against my wound. I admit: shop-therapy feels good. 🙂  I love spending time with our son, even if it is just running errands.  I also took him to see my friend Lori for a hair-cut.  He’s still rocking the hawk – but it is much more cleaned up.  Among all this coping, blogging my experience & feelings definitely feels good.  I’m guessing some days I won’t want to say much, but not today. Oh ya –  something that is bittersweet is telling my friends that I’m scheduled for surgery to remove melanoma THEN hearing that they are going to schedule their full-skin-check with their dermatologist. That makes me VERY happy that they are going to be proactive.  It is sad to see their faces, though – I know people are sad & scared for me.  With that being said, I really appreciate everyone’s prayers & support.

 


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Tara - July 13, 2012 - 8:51 am

Somehow, someway I came across your blog yesterday — I believe there was a divine reason for it : )

But can I just say, thank you for sharing your story! I know there has to be a lot of emotions shooting through you but as you said, God has a purpose for everything. I’ve been thinking and praying for you since reading your blog yesterday.

And I made an appointment to see my dermatologist — your post was definitely an encouraging factor in that decision!

Heather - July 14, 2012 - 6:55 pm

Hi Tara! I am very happy you made your derm appt! I prayed it goes well for you. 🙂

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